Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
