dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the condom got lost in my hair
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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