you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
