I want to stick my p in your. b.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
