you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
