You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
