I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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