FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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