If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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