its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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