nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
