so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
