if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need to stop coming to work sober
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
