Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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