apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
