You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
