For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
