how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
