i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
