He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize