Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
