i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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