You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
