i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
