Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
