rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
