im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
