Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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