Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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