Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
