I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
