Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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