hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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