Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
