soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
