After last night, I could never be a politician.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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