Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
high people should be assigned attendants
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
