yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
