It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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