the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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