Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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