too bad you live with your parents still
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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