i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
