Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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