If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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