Betty ford says i'm here all night
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
