I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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