I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
