She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
