grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
