3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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