dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
