just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
