dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
