i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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